Chicokid
October 7, 2005, 11:07 PM
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: NEW UPDATED COMPANY POLICY
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and are carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, then you need to better manage your money so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, then you are exactly where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, then you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called "Saturdays" and "Sundays".
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees tend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will gladly allow you to work through your lunch hour and then leave one hour earlier.
TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent on the toilet. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the bathroom stalls. At the end of the 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture of you will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in their picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people will get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people will get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average-sized figure. Chubby people will get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, allegations, accusations, contemplations and inputs should be directed elsewhere!
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and are carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, then you need to better manage your money so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, then you are exactly where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, then you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called "Saturdays" and "Sundays".
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees tend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will gladly allow you to work through your lunch hour and then leave one hour earlier.
TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent on the toilet. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the bathroom stalls. At the end of the 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture of you will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in their picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people will get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people will get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average-sized figure. Chubby people will get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, allegations, accusations, contemplations and inputs should be directed elsewhere!