ramesh
September 16, 2004, 02:06 PM
______________________________________________
THE DAILY GROANER - Monday, August 30th to Sept 16th
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman.
"I didn't realize you were pregnant."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...What do you get when you cross a dog, a bird, and a car?
A:...A flying car-pet
Q:...How can you get a frog off the back window of your car?
A:...Turn on the rear defrogger
===========================================
A group of us, exhibitors of bloodhounds, were waiting our turn to enter the ring for judging. One of us was an attractive young lady anxious to show her new hound. Just before we were called into the ring the hound jumped up and placed his paws on her chest. The unfortunate part was that, unknown to his owner, he had stepped in a dog mess. The result was that there were two quite evident splotches on her blouse.
Undaunted she quickly put on a cardigan sweater so as to cover things up and entered the ring along with the rest of us. As we were standing awaiting the judge, a fellow exhibitor who was next to our unfortunate soul, made several loud sniffing sounds and then uttered,
"Pardon me, but do you happen to have some grey poop on?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...What kind of turtles are the grouchiest?
A:...Snapping turtles
Q:...How do you know a dinosaur is under your bed?
A:...Your bed is touching the ceiling
===========================================
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. However, he had a slight problem: he couldn't remember the names of the two individuals who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Almost immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men walked down the aisle to the front of the church.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A:...Lost
Q:...What do whales like to chew?
A:...Blubber gum
===========================================
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote:
"Can't stand to cook."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...Why did the fool take 16 friends to the movies?
A:...The sign said, "Under 17 not admitted!"
Q:...What do you say to a chicken before they go on stage?
A:..."Break an egg!"
===========================================
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.
"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor.
That`s why I want the divorce."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...What do you get when you cross a chicken with a millipede?
A:...Drumsticks for everyone.
Q:...What do you call two witches who live together?
A:...Broom-mates.
===========================================
A blonde girl pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure her Labrador Retriever in the back seat had fresh air while she went into the store. The dog was stretched out on the back seat, and she wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
She walked to the curb backward, pointing her finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave her a strange look and said.
"Why don't you just put it in park?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...What was the biologist doing at the Old Navy?
A:...He was looking for new genes.
Q:...Why is Alabama the smartest state?
A:...Because it has 4 As and one B!
===========================================
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...Why haven't the US military given up power to the Iraqi's?
A:...They are afraid of Premature Iraqi-nation.
Q:...Why was the ancient Egyptian confused?
A:...Because his daddy was also his mummy.
===========================================
I can already see it coming: First they'll start letting people clone their family pets, then some owners will be unhappy with the results, and the next thing you know, we'll have a bunch of copycat killings.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...Why did the man take his clock to the vet?
A:...Because it had ticks!
Q:...What should an astronaut do when he gets dirty?
A:...Take a meteor shower
Q:...How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A:...By tickling his funny bone.
Q:...What happened to the boy who ran through a screen door?
A:...He strained himself
===========================================
In an impressive display of talent, perseverance, and hard study, last week the Roosevelt High School Math Team claimed the National Championship. The five students returned home to a parade, bonfires, medals, Keys to the City, and numerous other accolades. When all was done, team Captain Frank Lasher claimed to have gone home and slept for twenty-two hours straight. Said Lasher,
"It was all I could do to stay awake through the aftermath."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...What reptile enforces the law in Canada?
A:...A Mountie Python
Q:...How do you communicate with a fish?
A:...Drop him a line.
===========================================
THE DAILY GROANER - Monday, August 30th to Sept 16th
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman.
"I didn't realize you were pregnant."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...What do you get when you cross a dog, a bird, and a car?
A:...A flying car-pet
Q:...How can you get a frog off the back window of your car?
A:...Turn on the rear defrogger
===========================================
A group of us, exhibitors of bloodhounds, were waiting our turn to enter the ring for judging. One of us was an attractive young lady anxious to show her new hound. Just before we were called into the ring the hound jumped up and placed his paws on her chest. The unfortunate part was that, unknown to his owner, he had stepped in a dog mess. The result was that there were two quite evident splotches on her blouse.
Undaunted she quickly put on a cardigan sweater so as to cover things up and entered the ring along with the rest of us. As we were standing awaiting the judge, a fellow exhibitor who was next to our unfortunate soul, made several loud sniffing sounds and then uttered,
"Pardon me, but do you happen to have some grey poop on?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...What kind of turtles are the grouchiest?
A:...Snapping turtles
Q:...How do you know a dinosaur is under your bed?
A:...Your bed is touching the ceiling
===========================================
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. However, he had a slight problem: he couldn't remember the names of the two individuals who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Almost immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men walked down the aisle to the front of the church.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A:...Lost
Q:...What do whales like to chew?
A:...Blubber gum
===========================================
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote:
"Can't stand to cook."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...Why did the fool take 16 friends to the movies?
A:...The sign said, "Under 17 not admitted!"
Q:...What do you say to a chicken before they go on stage?
A:..."Break an egg!"
===========================================
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.
"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor.
That`s why I want the divorce."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...What do you get when you cross a chicken with a millipede?
A:...Drumsticks for everyone.
Q:...What do you call two witches who live together?
A:...Broom-mates.
===========================================
A blonde girl pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure her Labrador Retriever in the back seat had fresh air while she went into the store. The dog was stretched out on the back seat, and she wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
She walked to the curb backward, pointing her finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave her a strange look and said.
"Why don't you just put it in park?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...What was the biologist doing at the Old Navy?
A:...He was looking for new genes.
Q:...Why is Alabama the smartest state?
A:...Because it has 4 As and one B!
===========================================
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...Why haven't the US military given up power to the Iraqi's?
A:...They are afraid of Premature Iraqi-nation.
Q:...Why was the ancient Egyptian confused?
A:...Because his daddy was also his mummy.
===========================================
I can already see it coming: First they'll start letting people clone their family pets, then some owners will be unhappy with the results, and the next thing you know, we'll have a bunch of copycat killings.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...Why did the man take his clock to the vet?
A:...Because it had ticks!
Q:...What should an astronaut do when he gets dirty?
A:...Take a meteor shower
Q:...How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A:...By tickling his funny bone.
Q:...What happened to the boy who ran through a screen door?
A:...He strained himself
===========================================
In an impressive display of talent, perseverance, and hard study, last week the Roosevelt High School Math Team claimed the National Championship. The five students returned home to a parade, bonfires, medals, Keys to the City, and numerous other accolades. When all was done, team Captain Frank Lasher claimed to have gone home and slept for twenty-two hours straight. Said Lasher,
"It was all I could do to stay awake through the aftermath."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q:...What reptile enforces the law in Canada?
A:...A Mountie Python
Q:...How do you communicate with a fish?
A:...Drop him a line.
===========================================