Guyanan Jokes & Stories [Archive] - Caribbean Online Community ~ CaribYard.com

Zoley!

September 18, 2004, 03:38 PM

You know you are true Guyanese when you:

Know that certain foods are yu "KINNA."
Know that when some people"vex" they does "swell up like CRAPPO."
Know that the sweetest banana is a "SPECKLE" banana.
Know that a "WILD CANE" can't be found in a cane field.
Know that if yu use "FLOUR PASTE" to make yu kite yu better hang am pud de wall.
Know that there are only two types of fish in Guyana - "SCALE FISH" and "UNSCALE FISH."
Can remember every "MARABUNTA STING" you ever got.
You know you are Guyanese when:
you go to the International House of Pancakes and look for Dhal & Roti
A Lexus is just TransPote
you go "home back" instead of go "back home"
only you know the meaning of "cochore", "skites", "s*unt" and "bannas"
the only word to describe somebody that can't dance is "Pagaley"
you spit in a tin can full of carbon, and shake it good before lighting it up, and set fire to some kerosene soaked steel wool on a clothes hanger for your home-made fireworks
you and ya buddy dem a fight and ya momma tell you "ya rang and strang"
you know what black sage is
you invite your girl friend for a date at the cinema,and she bring the whole family
you ask the shopkeeper to sell you 2 cigarettes instead of the whole pack
you go to school with green mangoes and salt and pepper in your pocket
you put chalk mark on de bridge [or rice] so ole higue go pass yuh house
you cover up the mirror when lightning flashing
you talk about Hunte's cook up rice
yuh best fren is yuh gal fren bruther
It's time to get up when you hear the first fowl cock in the morning
you turn up at a wedding, uninvited, eat up the food, drink up the booze and make a spectacle of yourself
children want to be read a "nancy story" before they go to sleep
you never hear the term hydrocele ... but goadee immediately gives you de picture
you spout terms like "last lick", "anti man", "mota bike", "sweetee", "patacake", "bubby"
you go to the cake shop and buy salara
you refer to all chewing gum as 'chico'
ya pick up ya date and put she pon the wood bar on ya three speed bicycle and ya all gone to Brown Betty for ice cream
you remember good Friday as being quiet and the only thing you are allowed to wear is black, white or purple and eat only fish
you used to know at least one banna named Reds, or Coolie Boy, or Douglah, or Fat Boy, or Buck Boy, or Chinee
you know what "gimme lil ting" mean
you know someone who has definitely slept with a "Wobbin" or a "kang a lang"
precisely why Auntie Bess a hallah
that giving someone a "drop" has nothing to do with either giving them liquor or putting them down suddenly

Zoley!

September 18, 2004, 03:41 PM

Cont.'
That a "sagaboy" is neither akin to a swagger stick nor a story teller
What Sitira did on the dam, in addition to having first hand knowledge of the mating habits of Buxton Boars
you know when not to touch the radio, because ya mother want to hear death announcements
you know the difference between a "genip" and a "jamoon"
you know a "cashew" to be a fruit and not a nut
you spend Easter Monday flying your kite at the sea-wall
yuh get itch between yuh toes and dey seh yuh got Chigga
yuh know most a dee words to 'Sanko licky love up pon de dam'
yuh used to run after school fuh buy flutie, cone crush, and snow cone with condensed milk
yuh went to school wid at least one girl that had a big batty.
you ask for a buckta instead of underwear
your air jordans is a yattinboots
you see a drunk man ride he bicycle all the way home from the rum shop and fall down as soon as he reach home
you ask for directions and you're told to "go daside and tun lef, den go pass de coconut tree and jump ovah de trench and yuh reach"
the truck driver tell you to 'lock hard' meaning turn the steering wheel all the way
someone speak of a "sugar bowl cover" and mean a "panty"
you know the meaning of the phrase "keep gettin up"
you understand when someone "mek dey heights"
you would not be bothered if someone said to you "safe man" instead of "thank you"!
you know what "shocking colours" are
you know that a boring person is someone who "ain deh pon nuttin"
you understand that a "PACKU" is not only a fish
you understand Precisely what your partner means when they declare "you deh pon yuh own"
you call a fat man "FATMAN", a slim man "FINEMAN", any oriental looking person "CHINEY"
you know what BUCK PEOPLE look like
you know what a BUFFIANO girl looks like
you know what's a "BROADHAT"and "PALAWALA"
you would publicly state "ENGLAND CUD NEVER BEAT DE WEST INDIES"
you don't like fellas who "BLACKCAKE DE WUK"
you know when yuh girl "Flags Flying"
Understand that "cousin and cousin mek dozen"
You describe all chewing gum as either "Chico" or "Wrigleys."
You collect "plastic bags" from the supermarket and re-use dem til dey buss up
You clean tin foil after using it once and store it for further use
You believe that all modern medical treatment is a con as there is nothing that can't be cured by:-
Sapping yuh forehead with "Limacol" or
Drinking "Ferrol" or
Tekin a "Whizzz"
You describe all hairdressing as "Vaseline" ... or "Grease"
You still "pick peas"
You know a male whose name begins with "egg as in "Eggbert" etc.
Yuh know dat "shortime" is not related to working practices in the usual sense
Despite what the experts sey, yuh (personally) know of a "rain forest" growin "South"...or Mahaica...or Dartmouth
Yuh still hold yuh breath wen yuh press the electric switch ... or turn on de taps
Yuh still boil all water before drinking it even if it was bottled
Yuh still cook wid "gas bottle"
Yoh still prefer dippin water from a basin when tekin a shower
At the supermarket yuh are de only one who does ask fuh:- a) "Steakbeef", or (b) "Ice Apple" or (c) "Pig Face" or d) "English Potato" or (e) "Chicken Foot" or (f) "Tripe" or (g) "Cow Foot" (h)"Runners"
You tell people dat yuh have family livin "overseas" ... or "foreign"
You refer to sneakers as "Yaatin Boots" or "Trackers"
Though you have lived in the USA for donkey years you still calculate everything in US/GY, even when you are in the USA
You "chew up" your chicken bones and suck out the marrow ... in public
When your leavin your home you always ensure yuh "wearing a clean buckta or pantee" and that "yuh skin oil" in case yuh get "knock down"
Yuh got no idea what de ten regions in Guyana are but yuh know exactly where "Region 11" is located
You refer to all clear cleaning fluids as "Marvex"
You eat "fish head" and "suck out de eye"
You distinguish between "salt biscuit" and "sweet biscuit"
"Around the corner" could mean 10 yards or 10 miles
You call all chocolates "Cadbury's", and after opening it you put it in the fridge and eat one segment per day
All pasta is described as "Spaghetti"...
In any event, you are unable to distinguish the kinds of pasta as YOU EAT EVERYTHING, including chowmein and soup, WITH RICE
You feel that the following should be made a compulsory part of the driving code (a) driving with your elbow outside the window; (b) turning without indicating (c) Keeping the high beam on all the time; (d) Red light should mean slow down and go if nothing is coming
You refer to denim trousers as "hard pants"
You still "pick rice"
You drink "Ice Wata" or "Swank"
Your idea of a good night out is to buy a "food" for your date and tek she "pon de Sea Waallll"
Your idea of "just now" ranges from 5 minutes to 5 hours
Yuh know to "Suck Your Teeth" (stupes) ... in ten different ways
You know the meaning of anyone of the following words: a) Gam b) Beefsin c) Ticksen d) Taw e) Lines Out f) One taw, two taw, any taw
You call the operator to make overseas calls as you (personally) know dat direct dialling doesn't exist
You have lots of "friends" who you can identify only as "Blacka, Putagee, RedMan, Buckboy, Chinee, Coolie Boy"
You know at least five different ways to say "Eh Heh"
Every wedding, anniversary, birthday or other celebratory speech you've heard included the phrase "On this auspicious occasion"
You fail to see why hand luggage should have fit in the overhead bins or under the seat in front of you,as far as you are concerned as long as YOU could carry it on board that's good enough for you
As far as you are concerned, overweight should apply only to people not luggage
You doan fly Bee Wee by choice
You still vulcanise your punctures
You think that buying "genuine spare parts" are a rip-off 'cause there is always some one who "can fix de vehicle widout dem ting"
You have actually "feeled for fish"
You are unable to fathom why women are repulsed by the fact every single tooth in your mouth is gold
Never enough "Oldies"...or..."Three Step"...or "Jump Up" is played at parties. Consequently, you still have a lot of "shots" to demonstrate
yuh concept of time is not related to clocks but to something yuh muddah use to cook with
the words "fire, fire, bun meh hand" used to drive the fear of the devil thru yuh young heart
you remember Friday afternoon being the time fo settle scores
the word "stinkee" got more to do with your finger than your nose
you figured out that catching crabs was easy if you could avoid the "tengle-leh"
you grew up thinking filaria only happened to fat ladies in the market
you know that neither "eye pass" nor "fat eye" relate to optometry
you call anyone who studies harder than you a 'Bunsen'
you (personally) know at least one 'catchar' who has 'cut up yuh runnings'
'having no dunzai' was a temporary drawback because either
yuh always 'kno a banna at de gate'; or
yuh could always 'mole up at de freeco round de corner'. or
yuh know yuh cud 'jump de fence' ... or 'scale de palin'
Even if yuh had dunzai...yuh still used to try fuh jump de fence as you believe that not payin is a God given right
very early on in your dating life you realized that he who walks....walks alone
you know that 'Number 63' is a beach
you know dat 'Lot 12' is not a place to visit or be living
you know that 'Rice- Eater' is a species of dog
when eating out you indicate your choice by saying "Ah using..." or "Ah doan use...."
you can understand how the words "yuh big s*unt" can be either an affectionate greeting, or a gross insult
you find it impossible to explain to colleagues exactly what a labba is ... but you know that you can curry it
you always laugh or suck yuh teeth whenever strangers,(island people in particular) show you "a river"
in your view humming birds "stickle" not hover
you always stir your rum on the rocks with your finger
you know how much is "Jonah Crown", and only "big eye" people tek dat much
you know dat an "English Duck" is not an animal
you know that "molee biscuit" and "vhum-vhum cheese" don't refer to a delicacy
you know that to "fly uncle charlie kite" has nothing to do with Easter
you know exactly what "caanta" means
you realize that yuh could never depend on the six o'clock bee to sound off on time
yuh know that "No Big Ting" was a radio program
you pickney get "bad eye" you ga fo tek em to de pandit or magee fo jaarah am
you know that "Married man poke" is not flesh from pigs
you call all toothpaste "Colgate"
you spend $300 in beer and $10 in presents for you 5-year-old kid
True Guyanese:
know that